I have to start this by confessing I’ve never watched a single episode of the Bachelor franchise. Back when they began and I understood that the contest involved tandem make-out sessions in a hot tub, I was pretty much repulsed. If you’ve read either of my memoirs, you know this is not out of some prudishness, though I’d make a case for the hygiene, or lack. No, as someone who’s done a lot of dating, I’ve never found that smorgasbords are where I make the best choices. I’m more likely to walk away, vaguely ashamed of what I’ve done.
Then came the perfect storm — one of my best girlfriends was coming into town when the penultimate episode aired. As we’d both found love in our late 40s, we figured we’d sprint through a couple of episodes and see what the show was all about. If nothing else, I wanted to catch the appearance of Jimmy Kimmel’s Aunt Chippy who — after my heart! — missed the festivities by falling asleep on the couch during the rose ceremony.
As I watched woman after woman talk about how hard it had been to find love at their age, I was hooked. Obviously, the plot matches what I experienced in my just-out memoir, Blissful Thinking. The big difference is, my journey is about how I escaped the twin flames/Hallmark cult we all live in. The quest to get with Gerry (the Golden Bachelor), is all about diving deeper.
But who the hell are these people?
Some of the blurriness is surely about security for contestants (and may be a Bachelor bog standard), but all they ever do when they meet up with the Gerry is talk about relationships. I had no idea who any of them were. It’s an interesting social experiment — you fall in love with someone, then the first time you go to their house you discover their Jan 6 combat gear hidey hole. Which makes me wonder what this show really says about how evolved we are as a species, but that’s a whole other post.
Point being, the show is divorced from reality. Surely these women knew better? Yet they all played the part, wanting to stay on air, acting like they were falling for this ambulatory adult male with hair. Were any of them?
My friend, the comic
does a great bit about how her questions for prospects changed over the years, morphed from favorite bands to whether they know how to hang up their own coat.By far, however, the most damning aspect of the show was what a cad the guy was. In order to keep his quarries interested, he literally told each woman what they made obvious they wanted to hear. He was pretty transparent, too. The dude liked a broken bird. Cry on his shoulder = get a rose and stay. If a woman showed self-possession, she was out. But then, maybe this a Bachelor trope?
I was reading crocodile tears long before I read The Hollywood Reporter’s scathing exposé of Gerry’s actual dating life. (Apparently he had several relationships since his wife died, so his claims about not dating or kissing for years are total bullshit. I’d like to add that he sounds like an absolute dick, but sadly I don’t know that his desire for slim women willing to go Dutch make him a stand out in his generation).
Even before I read up on Gerry’s exploits, I found his behavior in the last episode the most compelling. Rather than make her go through the rose ceremony, Gerry went straight to Leslie, the woman he’d decided to reject. I have a hunch he knew this would cap her at the knees and she’d be far too gutted to detail the promises he made on their overnight “date,” the night before his overnight “date” with Theresa.
To his credit, after he told Leslie that she was not the one, he sat still and listened to her accuse him of leading her on, though he clearly couldn’t wait to get out of there. It was the most honest I’d seen him on the show.
Now here we are. He’s announced he’s going to marry Theresa live on national TV. Imagine the savings! Not only did ABC agree to pay for the honeymoon, now they’ll be paying for the wedding!
Is Theresa buying all this? Or is she of the generation Sara Pascoe so beautifully nails in this bit?
The thing is, in this duo, she seems to be the one with the cash. Let’s just hope she gets an ironclad prenup.
I know this was supposed to be a hopeful show about finding love in your dotage, but it feels more like rewarding someone for not growing the fuck up. Gerry told multiple women on the show he loved them, then later said he felt that “in that moment.” Ouch, DUDE. Have you not yet learned the difference between in the moment and for the moment?
I take heart in the audience’s reaction Leslie swearing at Gerry for mansplained that she shouldn’t think being dumped was her life’s lot. “No offense,” she said. “I can think whatever the *bleep* I want.” The applause was instant.
And while I appreciate that Leslie posted on Instagram how she was glad she’d chased vulnerability and embraced the possibility of love, and that she didn’t get her worth from being chosen. Those words felt like a “statement.”
The big reveal that’s, sadly, gone without remark came when that same night when Leslie told how she’d been able to open up for what felt like the first time in her life.
“I was totally myself with you.”
That’s everything, or so say I. The sum total of what my years of chasing taught me was what it felt like when I was truly being myself. Authenticity is what’s key.
Now, some might argue there’s nothing authentic about how these women look. And it’s true, they’ve all obviously put a lot into maintaining their looks. That’s got nothing to do with being themselves, except that self-care is obviously part of who they are.
And I don’t mean to slam Gerry for not being perfect either.
Anyone who lives a life will have messy, guilty, complicated stories. Whether you’re chasing vulnerability through friendship or artwork or romantic possibilities, the only way forward is through being fearlessly, authentically yourself.
I really want to hear what you thought about the episode. Were you as disturbed as I was? Have you watched the other Bachelor shows? Should we all watch the wedding?
X
Excellent summation of the show. I did want to mention that I’ve heard several people say that Gerry claimed he hadn’t been with anyone since his wife. I don’t actually recall him saying that, I think he may have just said that he hadn’t been in love since his wife? And then maybe people assumed the rest? He seemed willing to kiss women the first night he met them, so definitely not a shrinking violet from the start. Seemed quite ready to “get to it.”
I hate the idea of multiple women going after any one man, no matter what age. I really think it devalues us all and find it desperate and depressing.
I couldn’t agree more with you that I thought that line about “I loved you at that moment“ was horrifying. While everyone was walking around talking about what a great guy he was, I was thinking, what a jerk. That would literally tear someone’s heart apart.
I did end up falling for Gerry and Theresa as a couple at the end. I thought she was a dingbat initially, but once learning about her business acumen and getting to know her life story a little bit more, I saw how much they had in common and was impressed by her. Leslie seemed too victim-y, always focusing on her never being picked story - meanwhile she had two husbands and got to be runner-up on the show; seems like she’s been picked a lot.
I will admit, albeit embarrassingly, that I’m looking forward to the wedding! I guess I’m a pretend cynic who is just a romantic sucker like everyone else after all :)
The whole Bachelor franchise skeeves me, but then I've never been one who goes hunting for romantic love. The concept feels like a set-up for more fake/reality tv, fake romance, and dangerous outcomes. (see: Gia Marie Allemand) Golden Bachelor sounded like a bad joke to me.
Last year the franchise was courting my young, intelligent, driven, and yes, beautiful niece to come on as a bachelorette and my sister was so excited. I bit my tongue until it bled while I secretly hoped she'd say no. They told her she'd have to leave her job, her apartment, and pets and not tell a soul where she was going or with whom. (That's impossible in my family!)
She had just started a new promising job and didn't feel right about risking it. She a woman with great integrity. Thankfully, she was committed to that job that turned into a job she loves and she told them no thanks.
Seriously, who can just put their life on hold, disappear for three months, and not let anyone know? pfft