Notable September: What Is Self-Help Negging?

An explainer plus craft, inspiration, and reads that kept me going during the beastliest August on record.

Many thanks to Kimberly Diaz🌺 for asking this question: What is self-help negging?

Self-help negging is a phrase I’ve started using liberally because it feels like a fit. To neg, you may remember, is to flirt in such a way that you undermine the confidence of the person you’re supposedly complimenting. It creates an emotional feedback loop where the object of the neg keeps coming back for the faint praise.

A neg might sound like, “I’m usually into really skinny, pretty types, but I like how you don’t put so much into your appearance.”

If you call the person on it, they might say they were “just kidding!” And if you really get into it, they’ll either deny you heard right, minimize their behavior, or throw a rage.

Hear enough of this and eventually it undermines your confidence, which increases your need for the manipulator's approval. Self-help negging is this same kind of never-ending circle, but it sounds a little different.

Self-help negging often comes in the form of thought-terminating clichés, like, “Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.” Or, “You, and only you, are ultimately responsible for who you become and how happy you are.” Or, “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible: the fear of failure.”

Folksy wisdom such as this rings just true enough, but colossally fails to take into account extenuating circumstances.

You just got fired? Dumped? Diagnosed with cancer? Insert any sentence above. There’s no real comeback. The situation is beyond your control, but also obviously your fault, something you did wrong. But this [insert product/workshop/retreat] can help you!

Let me hasten to add that I’m not against self-care in the form of products/workshops/retreats. And I’m certainly not against the idea of self-betterment. But observing life from the rampart of JUST TRY HARDER is not only exhausting, it can bleed onto the perception of others. And I say this as someone who used to think I was hardest on myself. True though that may have been, it wasn’t saying much.

I fell into what Tara Brach calls “the trance of unworthiness.”

It’s a powerful phrase because it so aptly describes the thing it is—a trance. There’s something mesmerizing and addictive about the feeling created by believing, “I’m wrong, so I can fix this!”

The problem is that many of us seek out such help when we are in a baseline state of not feeling good about ourselves—so we don’t notice. Our manipulators can’t make us feel worse about ourselves than we already do. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if, every time something goes wrong, we immediately fault ourselves.

Making oneself the ultimate arbiter of success or failure in life gives a false sense of control. Even our response to life is not entirely in our control. I did not choose to be an addict any more than I chose to be a person who suffers prolonged grief. But because I suffer from a peculiarly persistent nature, I finally got beyond blaming myself for everything and developed self-compassion.

This is the hope. At some point you will disagree with something you hear. Maybe someone will toss out, “You don’t need to be perfect, just better!” And you’ll think, Says who? Or, “Everything happens for a reason!” And you will know, That is not helpful.

Once I started to recognize these not-so-subtle negative messages, I stopped hearing them in the same way. Their overreaching power was deactivated, but I can still benefit from the basic tenets. Maybe I don’t need to write another poem about that ex. I can meet up with a friend instead.

The other side of this was that, beyond not believing such statements, I also had to stop believing I was the piece of shit at the center of the universe. For me, humor was the way in and out.

Are you thinking of a real doozy you heard at some point in the name of help? Drop it in the comments, please. Let’s take the venom out of these stings.

Community Intro Thread

For those of you who personally responded to my community intro thread, I’m happy I learned more about you but I would love to share the love. Share your comments with everyone here. Or, if you missed the post, check it out, as well as the other people in this community.

Craft

127 writing prompts

Recommended reads:

I got to hear Alexis Paige read from this book in Philly back in March, but didn’t start reading till now. Don’t make my mistake. Her collection of humorous, insightful essays is one to savor.

I came across this gem while doing some research which I’m certain was in some way related, some way I can’t recall… But this is what makes the rabbit holes worthwhile.

Getting Away From It All in Mark Zuckerberg’s Metaverse

Reality reality was terrible. Would virtual reality be any better?

Inspiration:

Why won’t Pat Benatar perform hit me with your best shot anymore?

On women on showing up and being themselves:

Apropos of nothing:

You can write off the cost of acquisition rights for works you don’t produce. Wouldn’t you rather give that money to a person you know than the government? And have I mentioned my pilot? Except never mind; I want to see it made!

‘Til next time!