Notable August: What Does It Mean To Accept Everything When Everything Is Unacceptable?

This is not a trick question

Hello, good people! I’ve been to a couple of women’s marches lately and found myself unable to rouse the enthusiasm for angry chanting, typically a big part of such activities. Then Will Smith taped a video apology to Chris Rock, and I knew I had to write about how it all connected.

Also, I’m partnering with a bunch of authors in the coming months to bring you big savings on books. This month, Michelle Mann’s best-selling series My Nonbinary Child. Keep scrolling!

And, in other news, Blissful Thinking is back under contract!!! In the slow-action pace of publishing, that means the book will be out in late 2023. Plenty of time to learn more about that in the coming months. In the meantime, it’s my pledge to get Florida Girls out before then.

Forgiven, forgiven, forgiven

It is always possible to look around and think, The world is a complete shitshow right now. As if two minutes ago it wasn’t, or there is a future time when the show will be over. It’s all true. And it’s also all a lie. It’s a matter of focus.

The brain is wired to look for clues in the environment, particularly harmful ones. We don’t need to strengthen that capacity.

When you open yourself to the continually changing, impermanent, dynamic nature of your own being and of reality, you increase your capacity to love and care about other people and your capacity to not be afraid. You're able to keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your mind open. And you notice when you get caught up in prejudice, bias, and aggression. You develop an enthusiasm for no longer watering those negative seeds, from now until the day you die. And, you begin to think of your life as offering endless opportunities to start to do things differently.

—Pema Chödrön

Not that I endorse selectively ignoring “the news.” You can’t mindful your way out of systemic injustice. And there’s a special place in hell for people who pretend nothing is wrong when things are very wrong.

However.

There’s a difference between wanting to change for the better and being upset that better is never fully here. Because “better” will never fully arrive and I can’t yell it into existence. Even Foucault said, “Do not think that one has to be sad in order to be militant, even though the thing one is fighting is abominable.”

For years I was able to agree with that idea, but then feel differently. How can you not be upset? I’d think. Don’t you know about that horrible terrible thing?

It took one therapist asking the question at the right time to puncture my so-called logic. I was telling her some version of how angry I was that my ex-husband had forced me into organizing our divorce when I wasn’t the one who wanted to get the divorce in the first place.

She stopped me and asked, “How’s that working out for you?”

Her question was so unexpected, I laughed. Hadn’t she been listening? I was having extreme difficulty trusting. I was woefully single. I was miserable!

As I tried to explain, she kept asking, “Why do you think that is?”

Finally I realized I’d been holding onto that anger and grief because, deep down, I was afraid if I wasn’t holding him accountable, I was condoning his desertion. If I was okay with that lack of support—my deep-seated fear told me—I would get the same in other relationships.

Meanwhile, my life was rife with unsupportive relationships.

Now here was the real surprise. Not only was it a huge relief to be rid of that anger—through a combination of journaling, therapy, and energy work—but when I was able to forgive, I began attracting supportive relationships.

This is not some woo ode about manifesting, though it kind of is.

There’s more to the business of forgiveness than just deciding, “I’m not mad! Problem solved!” Forgiveness has three parts.

The first one is discharging the anger at myself. I had to forgive my bad behavior. Especially when I can’t see anything I did that was wrong. Sometimes I have to really put myself in the other person’s shoes just to guess how I could seem wrong. I’m laughing as I’m typing, also key to this process.

If that doesn’t show me where I was wrong, I really look at what they did that was wrong. How exactly was I affected? That’s when I start seeing how my feelings are separate from the other person or situation. How there’s a bigger picture and pattern that I’m creating. I might discover I have to ask for forgiveness. Even if I was wronged.

Whether I can see where I was wrong, the second element is neutralizing how I feel about the other person’s role. In some cases, this is the journaling and therapy, etc., as described above. What that looks like in practice is not feeling sick when I think about the person or situation. And if apology is called for, I have to be ready to ask for forgiveness and not to be forgiven back.

Thirdly, I have to try to respond differently. In part so I don’t have to go through this painful process again. I can ask someone what I can do differently, but sometimes that’s not feasible or practical. The main thing is—and check out this clip from Will Smith’s apology video—that I do not shame myself. That only starts the cycle right back up.

Regardless of what you think about the Smith/Rock situation, he’s absolutely right about not making himself the piece of shit at the center of the universe. At least that’s how far I can take my feelings.

There’s nothing wrong with being angry or sad. There will be times when those emotions are the healthy response. But there is no good reason to suffer beyond the original insult or drag out our feelings of shame for acting badly. Lolling in misery will never take us on a rocket ship to better.

When all else fails, remember the words of the brilliant Jen Pastiloff, “Fuck shame.”

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Michelle Mann’s best-selling series My Non-Binary Child is a three-book exploration of the wide range of issues, questions, and opportunities for understanding presented in a family with an LGBTQ or gender-fluid child.

Mann has written a straightforward guide to a nuanced subject, empowering parents and children with insight and sensitivity. Mann provides useful information about pronouns, body dysmorphia and dysphoria, societal misunderstandings, binders, puberty blockers, and stages of transitioning. Most vitally, she gives voice to non-binary children, showing parents and families what the world looks and feels like from their perspective.